Why

Many couples reach the place where their marriage is not working. It could be that the relationship is not pleasurable or the marriage has been sweep to a place of contempt, faultfinding and blame.

Whatever the cause of the marriage breakdown, some people try to mend it through marriage counseling. And if that doesn't work, it is assumed that the only other option is divorce.

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Hope

The best way to be prepared for the life changing events that come with a separation or divorce is to have an education on the realities that you will be facing. No two separations are alike. Beware of listening to what "happened" with a friend in their separation or divorce and expect it to be the same for you. Of equal concern is all of the contradictory information found on the web. Some of it can be useful but much if it is biased and designed to sell you whatever they are pushing. A good rule of thumb is to stay with sites that have nothing to sell and are organizations that have little need for hidden agendas. Here are a few organizations that can help you sort through the misinformation on divorce.

Six Reasons

Reaon 1 Spouses and family members are interrelated in repetitive communication and behavior patterns, reinforcing or sustaining either positive or negative functioning. The separation of partners can dramatically break the long-standing negative circular patterns maintaining or exacerbating the existing presenting problems. This allows the therapists to work quickly with separated couples in establishing reasonable expectations for the relationship and new positive means by which they will behave and communicate. [ Brothers, B.J. (1998). Couples: A Medley of Models. New York: The Haworth Press, Inc. ]
Reason 2 A Structured Separation minimizes the opportunity for partners to blame the other for causing hurtful, inappropriate, or destructive acts because when and how they engage will be under the direction of the separation agreement. The agreement allows partners to take responsibility for themselves and therefore holds them accountable for their conduct. This serves to further reduce any causes of quarrelsome actions or angry feelings. It allows the therapist to challenge and hold the clients answerable for violations. This in turn helps to create a constructive atmosphere for partners to safely communicate and problem solve. [ Brothers, B.J. (1998). Couples: A Medley of Models. New York: The Haworth Press, Inc. ]
Reason 3 A Structured Separation provides couples with a 'time-out' period. This allows them the opportunity to relax, find peace and regain a sense of autonomy. In such an emotional state, they are apt to be less defensive, more introspective, and better prepared to objectively examine their relationship and solutions to fears and problems with which they are faced. [ Brothers, B.J. (1998). Couples: A Medley of Models. New York: The Haworth Press, Inc. ]
Reason 4 Couples needing to be apart often feel helpless, confused and emotionally paralyzed. A Structured Separation, with it's treatment goals and contractual agreement on rules relating, gives them a sense of empowerment, as well as clarity regarding a direction that will eventually lead to resolution of their differences. It also allows for psychological and spiritual healing to take place. Partners begin to feel in charge of themselves and to recognize and understand what their needs are, how they must be met, and in which direction they would like their lives to go. Even though the present problems may not be immediately resolved by the separation, it gives couples renewed hope and a feeling something constructive will be accomplished. [ Brothers, B.J. (1998). Couples: A Medley of Models. New York: The Haworth Press, Inc. ]
Reason 5 A Structured Separation dispels the fantasy of many couples who believe "the grass is greener on the other side". As example, one unhappy client with poor self-esteem, believed a separation that included dating would allow her to regain happiness and positive self image. She felt her marriage lacked fun and excitement. Her belief that dating would once again allow her to feel youthful, attractive and needed. Soon after the separation she recognized she was looking at others rather than herself for happiness. This came after being rejected by all the men to whom she was attracted. This helped her start to focus on the internal rather than external attributes that lead to satisfaction. [ Brothers, B.J. (1998). Couples: A Medley of Models. New York: The Haworth Press, Inc. ]
Reason 6 A Structured Separation allows couples to address the fears regarding a separation or divorce in a concrete rather than abstract manner. Instead of obsessing and feeling fearful, shameful or guilty about "what-if" and "what will happen" questions, spouses are faced with the reality of those issues. Instead of being paralyzed by fear of being alone of hurting others, individuals must confront and overcome those fears if they are separated. [ Brothers, B.J. (1998). Couples: A Medley of Models. New York: The Haworth Press, Inc. ]