Structured Separation
As a Mediator I began to encounter individuals dealing with mates who persistently behaved in ways that were destroying their marriages. These people typically feel hopeless because they think they've done everything possible to save their marriage. They came to me to help mediate, thinking the only choice was a divorce. My question was, is that their only choice.No, the reality is, many divorces could have been avoided if both spouses were able to take ownership of their contribution to the demise of the relationship, had the time and place to heal from the wounds inflicted during the marriage, ended unnecessary patterns, worked on their own personal growth to be a healthy participant in the marriage, and had the drive to want to create a marriage that was different from the failing relationship they were engaged in. For some of these people, a marital separation became a necessary step in sending the ultimate wake-up call to a complacent and selfish spouse. It may have been in the context of substance abuse, severe financial irresponsibility, unending emotional or verbal abuse, psychological breakdown and withdrawal of marital commitments. Each case had it's own set of circumstances and level of severity.
The Structured Separation is designed to provide the environment that allows the healing and growth process to take effect. The spouses have to posses the drive and desire to do the individual hard work to get there.
If you don't know about Structured Separations, I have some links to the right that will give you lots of information.
What I will explain here are the processes of implementing a Structured Separation, how to prepare for it, what to expect from it, and the topics we will probably discuss in our creating the Structured Separation.
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The goal
Most couples in troubled marriages allow their relationships to disintegrate for years before seeking help. The ultimate goal of a Structured Separation is to save the marriage by working with a mediator as kind of a crisis intervention in putting together a separation agreement with specific guidelines designed to confront the issue of the failing marriage. The Structured Separation allows couples who are experiencing extreme marital problems to live separately and, at the same time negotiate and work toward finding solutions to the marital problems as an alternative to rushing to divorce.
Marriage therapists may call the Structured Separation various other names - controlled separation, therapeutic separation, trial separation, healing separation, but all have one thing in common - a well documented reconciliation plan.